Hi Th past week has been very interesting. I am playing catch-up in a lot of areas. I am managing my time better and able to get more things accomplished. The process/program, MMKE is key to me returning to my productive self as well as introducing me to my true self.
I was meandering along when my guide, Mr. Steven Earl, was about to review my second draft DMP. He Marco Polo-d me and asked for my PPN. ‘Whet?’ I thought to myself. Then I remembered week two webinar. I had completely forgotten about the PPN and I told him such.
My guide is just so sweet and very genteel with me, which i greatly appreciate during this time of upheaval. Great upheaval. I had never thought about my PPN or any needs to the point of explaining them in depth. No one has ever really concerned themselves with my needs before…not sincerely. Maybe…no one has ever been really able to help, so it is a conversation I tend to avoid. After all, I am the super hero in everyone’s life. I usually keep my cape in the trunk.
As much as I think about what I want and what I need, being asked about my PPN’s, sent my world into a tail spin and for some strange reason, I was scared to approach this assignment. It has taken days to figure out this crucial point. My job going up in smoke, my children and I were no closer to peace among ourselves and I am drained from working so many hours.
What is my PPN?!?!?! I mean…really? I Googled it. Prayed about it. I shunned it. I mean what difference would IT make really? So seven days later I finally come to grips with what I want: (1) Recognition for my creative expression and autonomy. YEP!!! That is my PPN!!
Growing in the little town of Marion, AL with my big family of 23 kids (I am#23) it was hard to get recognition or at least recognition for some good. It’s was ALWAYS the bad recognition or the ‘you auiight…so what? You ain’t really do nothing.’ To be criticised daily for everything from your shoes to your hair to your vernacular… goodness…. EVERY single day of my life.
This element of my life was never going anywhere and it forced me to become highly competitive but not in an obvious way. I was kinda slick with it. The adage was if you can’t beat join them. Mine was, if you can’t join them, beat em! I was stinking competitive. Regretfully, in some areas, I still am. This eventually led to where I am now, seeking autonomy. I have ALWAYS practiced it but I wasn’t allowed to do it. I have always wanted to just do what I want to do and nobody has a say so in my affairs. My own world almost.
Of course all the haters and weak of the world will bombard you with you can’t do that!!! who do you think you are??? I am Splendora….I do what I want. was always my answer. this has led to a battered life. because, after awhile, I tried to fit in. It was taking me out. Being nice to people even though alot of the time they were not nice to me. People taking my meekness as a weakness.
I have grown tired of this and I have somewhat reverted to my old ways of putting myself first. FEELS GREAT! The freedom I am experiencing daily is incredible. Sometimes….I feel like I should feel guilty…but that is an emotion that I have never possessed…seriously. That’s one reason I get on my siblings nerves. Oh well.
So hee we are, me, myself and I, finally able to say what my PPN is.  recognition for my creative expression;  autonomy. Yep! Those two things would change my world nd bring me to my Darhma. Let’s see whta next week is going to bring!