Okay… it’s week four and boy has it been a challenge! Time seemed to be escaping me, I just couldn’t figure it out. It’s difficult to find green triangles. I tend to find them in rooftops of houses. Being in Georgia, most homes have green rooftops. I also see them in bushes and trees. The red circles are a bit of a challenge.
This week is going well. I am doing well. It’s soooo much easier to do my exercises now. I don’t blink as much, lol. But it is a challenge, nonetheless less to be comfortable. I am comfortable in who i am and what I do but I am not comfortable in this process of becoming.
The distance between my real self and my ideal self seems so far away. I know within myself I can do and I must do it. I am here in this realm for a reason. I have lives to impact. Sometimes, I feel that the majority of my life has been wasted.
My subby is mean. Even after doing exercises, it still speaks mean in times of frustration in the journey. Sometimes, it’s a constant back and forth with it. Casting down ever thought of the devil (the subconscious mind) is uphill in certain moments. It’s not until I get mad and, I kid you not, I tell IT to shut up, does it not retaliate. It’s as if I have a front row seat to the fight between two entities that are not me – my old me and the emerging me…. I am neither of those.
Daily, it’s a conscious battle to decide which of the two will enter my future with me.
No. I am not split personality disorder candidate or nothing like that. I am very conscious and awake. It’s just a matter of deciding to remain the same and accept the pain OR do something…any ANYTHING…no; not anything….😑the right thing 🙂 for myself now and later.
It’s a matter of taking the time to deeply ponder how my current decisions will affect my future self.
Maybe I should have been doing this for all these years but HECK!!! I didn’t expect to make it to the age of 50, let ALONE 51. 😱 I actually MADE IT!?!?! Feels weird and AWESOME at the same time. I went through 25 years, off and on, depression and suicidal tendencies and junk. I am not supposed to be here. BUT I AM….
So, since The Most High God has decided for me to be here, then I need to stay and get cracking. It’s time, now that I know, to allow Him to have full stage access in my life. Whaaaaat does that look like? I DK…. I seriously don’t know.
I do know that I am 100% more attentive now. I know that getting to my Darhma is crucial.. This is a test of how much I believe in the new me.
I wholeheartedly believe in her. She is awesome!!! Can hardly wait to see her unfolding.