Week 4: Tryna Be Comfortable

Okay… it’s week four and boy has it been a challenge!  Time seemed to be escaping me, I just couldn’t figure it out.  It’s difficult to find green triangles.  I tend to find them in rooftops of houses.   Being in Georgia, most homes have green rooftops.  I also see them in bushes and trees.  The red circles are a bit of a challenge.

This week is going well.  I am doing well.  It’s soooo much easier to do my exercises now.  I don’t blink as much, lol. But it is a challenge, nonetheless less to be comfortable. I am comfortable in who i am and what I do but I am not comfortable in this process of becoming.

The distance between my real self and my ideal self seems so far away. I know within myself I can do and I must do it. I am here in this realm for a reason.  I have lives to impact. Sometimes, I feel that the majority of my life has been wasted.

My subby is mean. Even after doing exercises, it still speaks mean in times of frustration in the journey. Sometimes, it’s a constant back and forth with it. Casting down ever thought of the devil (the subconscious mind) is uphill in certain moments. It’s not until I get mad and, I kid you not, I tell IT to shut up, does it not retaliate. It’s as if I have a front row seat to the fight between two entities that are not me – my old me and the emerging me…. I am neither of those.

Daily, it’s a conscious battle to decide which of the two will enter my future with me.

No. I am not split personality disorder candidate or nothing like that. I am very conscious and awake. It’s just a matter of deciding to remain the same and accept the pain OR do something…any ANYTHING…no; not anything….😑the right thing 🙂 for myself now and later.

It’s a matter of taking the time to deeply ponder how my current decisions will affect my future self.

Maybe I should have been doing this for all these years but HECK!!! I didn’t expect to make it to the age of 50, let ALONE 51. 😱 I actually MADE IT!?!?! Feels weird and AWESOME at the same time. I went through 25 years, off and on, depression and suicidal tendencies and junk. I am not supposed to be here. BUT I AM….

So, since The Most High God has decided for me to be here, then I need to stay and get cracking. It’s time, now that I know, to allow Him to have full stage access in my life. Whaaaaat does that look like? I DK…. I seriously don’t know.

I do know that I am 100% more attentive now. I know that getting to my Darhma is crucial..  This is a test of how much I believe in the new me.

I wholeheartedly believe in her. She is awesome!!! Can hardly wait to see her unfolding.

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Week 3: Spellbound

Hi Th past week has been very interesting. I am playing catch-up in a lot of areas. I am managing my time better and able to get more things accomplished.  The process/program, MMKE is key to me returning to my productive self as well as introducing me to my true self.

I was meandering along when my guide, Mr. Steven Earl, was about to review my second draft DMP. He Marco Polo-d me and asked for my PPN. ‘Whet?’ I thought to myself. Then I remembered week two webinar. I had completely forgotten about the PPN and I told him such.

My guide is just so sweet and very genteel with me, which i greatly appreciate during this time of upheaval.  Great upheaval.  I had never thought about my PPN or any needs to the point of explaining them in depth.  No one has ever really concerned themselves with my needs before…not sincerely.  Maybe…no one has ever been really able to help, so it is a conversation I tend to avoid.  After all, I am the super hero in everyone’s life. I usually keep my cape in the trunk.

As much as I think about what I want and what I need, being asked about my PPN’s, sent my world into a tail spin and for some strange reason, I was scared to approach this assignment.  It has taken days to figure out this crucial point.  My job going up in smoke, my children and I were no closer to peace among ourselves and I am drained from working so many hours.

What is my PPN?!?!?! I mean…really? I Googled it.  Prayed about it. I shunned it. I mean what difference would IT make really? So seven days later I finally come to grips with what I want: (1) Recognition for my creative expression and autonomy. YEP!!! That is my PPN!!

Growing in the little town of Marion, AL with my big family of 23 kids (I am#23) it was hard to get recognition or at least recognition for some good. It’s was ALWAYS the bad recognition or the ‘you auiight…so what? You ain’t really do nothing.’  To be criticised daily for everything from your shoes to your hair to your vernacular… goodness…. EVERY single day of my life.

This element of my life was never going anywhere and it forced me to become highly competitive but not in an obvious way. I was kinda slick with it. The adage was if you can’t beat join them. Mine was, if you can’t join them, beat em! I was stinking competitive.  Regretfully, in some areas, I still am. This eventually led to where I am now, seeking autonomy. I have ALWAYS practiced it but I wasn’t allowed to do it.  I have always wanted to just do what I want to do and nobody has a say so in my affairs. My own world almost.

Of course all the haters and weak of the world will bombard you with you can’t do that!!! who do you think you are???  I am Splendora….I do what I want.  was always my answer.  this has led to a battered life.  because, after awhile, I tried to fit in.  It was taking me out. Being nice to people even though alot of the time they were not nice to me.  People taking my meekness as a weakness.

I have grown tired of this and I have somewhat reverted to my old ways of putting myself first.  FEELS GREAT!  The freedom I am experiencing daily is incredible.  Sometimes….I feel like I should feel guilty…but that is an emotion that I have never possessed…seriously.  That’s one reason I get on my siblings nerves.  Oh well.

So hee we are, me, myself and I, finally able to say what my PPN is. [1] recognition for my creative expression; [2] autonomy.  Yep!  Those two things would change my world nd bring me to my Darhma.  Let’s see whta next week is going to bring!

 

 

Week 2: finding my bliss

This week was tremendously busy to the point that I am disappointed in myself. I didn’t get much accomplished in the MKE🤔🤔🤔😐. I promised myself that it will never happen again even though it has happened to me so many times in the past….not getting around to doing what I actually want to do because of distractions.

This time it was work – a necessary distraction. I have to keep a roof over my head. But nonetheless, I will dig in my heels and fight back.  I love the program and the progress I have made. I especially love the progress I have made in one area of my relationships with one of my five sisters.

I was having a difficult time and I really wanted to see her. She lives a whole state away and I knew IF I called her, she wouldn’t come especially so late on a Monday day night.

Discouraged, I went to take a nap at 6 pm. My phone rang at 9:30 p.m. and it was my sister 🙂. I answered it. “I am trying to get to your house” she said to me.

“Where are you?” I asked.

“On Canton connector.” She replied

Whaaaaat?!?!?!?! Missiles we’re going off in my head. My sister Princess was in Georgia?!?!?!?!

“I can tell you how to get to me.” I told her. Then I ran around my house cleaning up and putting on clothes (I had on jammies) I was crazy! She was here by the time I was done brushing my teeth.

She gave me the best hug ever. She never come to Atlanta just to see me. It was a very pleasant surprise. She said I was on her mind heavy and the Spirit told her to come see me! (Wooooow)

We talked most of the night. For the first time in my life, I got a chance to tell her exactly how I felt about growing up the youngest of 23 critical siblings and parents.

It felt as if the layers of an onion were being peeled away. There was so much we both didn’t know. There was so much she didn’t know about me and until now, had never cared to know.

It was AWESOME for me because to hear myself talk about the pain of my childhood…there were things I didn’t realize about myself. Being allowed to just talk and not be told how I feel (my family is expert on telling people how they feel and think) was refreshing and liberating.

I awoke the next day refreshed and light. I felt totally and finally free as I hugged Princess goodbye as she got in her van to go back to Alabama.

ALL day I was talkative and all over the place. My clients noticed. Usually I am reserved and professional. NOT Monday!!! I was bright eyed and bushy tailed Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Laughing out loud! I am still somewhat floating. I believe I will be the rest of my life.

I really credit this process and program for this major success in my life. Normally we argue or don’t speak period. We all have been trying to listen to each other since our parents died. Much pain and tears and separation since. We have tried so so many times to no avail.

Monday Princess and I made a statement and a step in the right direction. I am so grateful; words cannot express.

Looking forward to week 3. I have cut out a lot of things that zap my time, like doing extra research for work. Next week, I will time it and not get lost in it. I will be back on point, expecting an AWESOME week.

Have a wonderful day and weekend! Love you lots!!! Hugs and kisses all day and forever!!!!

Week 1: Oriented

This is a really cool experience. Even though I have had a little bit of a late start due prearranged appointments, I am pushing to get caught up and acclimated to this process.

The most difficult part so far, is training my brain to be positive ALL the time. I had no idea that I was so negative in my thought life. The second hardest part is deciding to let go.

I must admit it feels good to tell someone off that has crossed me. Especially when I do it in my mind which is 90% of the time. But I am a champ, so I will getterhhhhh DONE!!!!!

A lot of what I am hearing is done on other people platforms but I just simply like the way they present it better. Therefore,  the ideas are easier to follow and adhere to.

So with that, I look forward to a brand new me!